You Would Never Know

You Would Never Know

February 14, 2019

How many of you can say you have every truly hated yourself? Like deep down to the core despised yourself? Part of me wishes I can say that I've never felt that way. Part of me wishes I never have looked into the mirror and self-injured my stomach because I literally wanted to tear my own skin off. Part of me wishes I never felt that overwhelming sense of deep hatred towards the person I didn't even know. I could look in the mirror...look at my sunken in face, darkened, sad eyes, hollow body, and have such an intense hatred for the person staring back at me. Remembering those days isn't easy. It's not easy to admit the the awful things I said to myself so automatically on repeat day in and day out, "fat, stupid, worthless, lazy, piece of no good s*it". Automatic. On replay. For 15 years. 15 long years. The only reprieve was losing weight. The only mental break I got from thinking I was completely worthless was seeing the number of the scale go down. That meant I was ok. That meant I wasn't a complete failure. It was more than my self-worth being tied to the scale, it was my entire being. I was a slave to the scale. A slave to the high that was losing weight. A slave to the monster in my head telling me I would never be good enough. Deep down I knew I would never be good enough. No amount of weight lost would fix the turmoil in my head. My goal was to be "chiseled down to zero" and yes, that is exactly what I am talking about.
 
Mental health is absolutely nothing to take lightly. It is downright scary the places my mind use to be. The scariest part is it was SO automatic. It has taken years, and I mean years, to get to a place where that dialogue is no longer the ruler of my day.
 
I get asked often what helped me recover. How did I recover from a 15 year long battle with anorexia and bulimia? You want to know how...it was finally, deep down believing that I did not deserve to treat myself like that anymore. It was that little voice that said, "I am worth more than this." It was finding the courage every day to NOT believe those awful things my eating disorder was telling me.
 
So yes, sometimes I wish I never had to feel that way. That deep hatred that is honestly pretty damn tough to talk about. But I am here to SILENCE the SHAME! In admitting the struggles of my past, I want you to know you are not alone. If you are going through something that is hard for you to talk about, please just know, you are not alone. And guess what babe, you are worth more than you know <3


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